i finally figured it out

i've never really cared for toronto. i like the city, i like how you can get almost anything there, i love the culture, there are soo many things i love about toronto but i find it exhuasting to be there. i really don't think its the amount of people, or how nothing seems to stand still, i really love other cities where all this occurs. but today i figured it out.

it turns out i find it exhausting to see all the people just asking for help. they are sitting there begging for help. whether it is monetary help they want, or they just want someone to listen. i find this exhausting. and i hope that does not sound like i think i'm above them all and i'm sick of hearing them, its quite the opposite. i feel useless, i can't give money to all of them, and this tears at my soul. i want to help, i have a need to help, but i don't know how i can help effectively. yes i could give the money i can, or i could donate my time to a shelter or what have you, but i have too many other commitments helping out other places that i don't see how i could fit it in too. i feel that anything i could do is just not enough.

sometimes when i look into the eyes of a person begging for money, i see a reflection of myself that i don't like. i see that i could be helping more, that i could be doing more, that i could be making more of a difference and in that i see dissapointment. when i look at the person sleeping on the street i see a child that someone has lost, i see a person who deserves more than anything to be loved, to be taken care of, and to have the opportunities that everyone should have.

i don't want to sound like this is all about me, because its about them. they are the forgotten, they are the people that society tries to hide, they are the so called eyesores. but really they are just hurting. they really do deserve more, and i'm ashamed of what i have that i don't need.

i'm sorry, i really am.

no more deals with God

so i don't know how many times i will think that i can make a deal with God and actually have it work. like duh! its not going to happen. but i've been trying to wait patiently and i was just thinking a sweet deal would speed things up... apparently deal making still isn't effective in this way. so, here God, i'm waiting again. more patiently this time... hopefully.


so i survived my 5 days at a cabin working. things went well, lots of relaxing and not doing much... really felt like a paid vacation most of the time. i went for a walk on the beach late one night, and i wish i took my camera, cause it was absolutely beautiful, cold but peaceful. now back to the grind of home... but oh how good it is to be home finally!

and bickey, congrats on the forth coming events of your life, i wish we were closer and that i could congratulate you in person. i still love you like a sister loves her brother and completely wish that we were still best friends.

on the road again....

after last weekends trip the last thing i want to do this weekend is drive far away and be away from my apartment for another night... but alas i have to go for work. so tomorrow jen, db and i take off for sauble beach. i will return on wednesday, so no new posts till then, unless i find an internet cafe out there.... or a stranger that will let me use their computer. so everyone, have a great week, i'll be thinking of you. and please pray for nice weather.... being couped up all weekend will not be a fun thing!

bye!

all boxed in

i was chatting with a friend today and we realized how backwards living in a small town is. if i currently lived in a larger area i would be considered "normal". i know this is hard for many people to think that i would be the epitamy of "normal" but you can stretch the definition a little.

1. if i lived in a larger city it would be "normal" and expected that at 23 i would be single, and not dating. i would be abnormal to be married with children at this age.

2.if i lived in a larger city my choice in clothing (aka my love for dumb t-shirts) would not only be "normal" but maybe even boring. if i wore clothes for one of the big chain stores that may be abnormal as everyone is trying to look so different that looking like someone else would be weird.

3.if i lived in a larger city it would not be abnormal for me to have at least 2 jobs, and be going to school. since i have a job and am going to school (yes, again) in the fall, and thinking of volunteering i would be "normal".

4.if i live in a larger city it would be "normal" to my non-christian friends that i don't want to party or sleep around and take part in the hickish things that only go on in a small town.

see, i can be normal, but then i don't think i would want to be seen as normal in a city, nor be normal in a small town. really i just want to be me. so please people stop putting your idea of normal on me (and i'm not pointing fingers, just feeling pressured but small town living). and yes its funny that people always try to set me up (which has never even come close even materializing into a date) but really i'm just figuring it all out and waiting for God to mold me into who he wants me to be. and for this reason, i am not content, and learning, and enjoying all that is in front of me.

well, at least the outhouse was pink on the inside

so 1800km driving and 8hours spent on a train and a mind full of amazing memories. kim and i experienced a lot in 4 days and we covered a lot of ground.

we arrived in sudbury thursday night just in time to make a trip to the townehouse for old time sake. it was great fun, we played some pool with only minor interuption from a group of tree planters. we were only going for an hour, but 3 hours later we dragged our butt back to todd's. we were up early the next day to start the next part of our trek.

basically, you can't go to sudbury without a visit to the big nickel, so that's what kim and i did... and we got there just in time to not have to pay for parking!!!! a beautiful start to the day.

3 hours later we arrived in timmins, and had a quick stop at wal-mart for extra supplies... funny thing about this wal-mart was the amazing parking lot. lets just say if you drove over 10km/hr you were guarenteed to bottom out, and to make things better it was raining... and cold!

we arrived in cochrane and weren't sure if my buddy mick knew we were coming, and after having to stop at a neighbour's house for directions we found mick and he was expecting us. mick had the most gorgeous trailer for us to stay in and a very very stinky outhouse, but at least it was pink on the inside. we spent a couple hours with mick that night drinking homemade wine and watching video's on caribou!

8:30 on the train to moosonee was a great morning. when we finally arrived in moosonee at 1pm noone was there to pick us up. that was half the fun. we stayed in the nicest b&b, and we were the last guests ever because they were closing down. we walked all around moosonee in about 30min, and it was cold and rainy so we watched movies all day. i also had to call my mum for money because they didn't take visa anywhere... ahhh!

on sunday morning we took a boat to james bay. it was specatacular, and we got to socialize with a whole bunch of old people! actually a lot of fun. we even saw a seal! we went to moosefactory on a bus tour and spend like 45min with this old lady in a teepee making bannock a tradition tea biscuit on the fire. we had like 3 hours to kill back in moosonee so we sat around and talked to a guy that was going camping on this little island.

on the trip home on the train we hung out with all our new friends and kim and i polished of a dinner and half each (i guess we were hungry). we ended up in the entertainment car with live music (a great lounge singer). we had such a great time. we talked to a couple people from moosefactory, one guy asked me if i was from moosonee because i looked familar... then he turns to me and says "hey i recognize you from the teepee!"

we stayed in timmins sunday night with glen my old boss, we had a great time catching up. monday morning i awoke to vaccuming at 6:45am! apparently the caretaker likes to clean the halls early in the morning! glen made us some breakfast... well ginger tea and i sang him the birdie song and kim and i started to make the long 9 hour drive home!

all in all a great trip! i'm exhausted and broke, and very satisfied with all the georgous scenery along the way! it was beyond beautiful up north, i would recommend you all take this trip!

just so you know i made it to lindsay

off to swim with polar bears

so tomorrow night at 4pm i'm heading off on my vacation for the summer. my friend kim and i are heading to mosoonee to explore the great north. it will be a quick trip with a lot of driving, but we are going to meet up with a lot of people along the way, so it should be fun. for those of you who care here is a loose iteneray of our trip.

thursday
4pm leave camborne
5pm pick up kimmy in lindsay
9pm arrive in subury to hang with meals and todd and the townehouse

friday
head to cochrane to swim with polar bears, hang with chimo and find some locals to hange with and a night in the trailer at micks

saturday
8:30am on the train to moosonee
1:00pm arrive in moosonee
rest of day exploring moosonee and moosefactory

sunday
hangout
5pm train back to cochrane
10pm head to timmins
11:30pm glens in timmins

monday
head for home... who knows if we will make it that day, it may be an extended vacation.... yeah!


over all we will be driving at least 24hrs of the 5 days away and travelling on train for 9hrs by train. hmmm lots of time to talk with kimmy

the attack of the tomato horn worm

so i looked out my window today and notice something a little different. there seemed to be many leaves missing from the top of the tomato plants. i went out for a closer look and realized that there was a servere infestation of those gross weird worms. les and i had spotted them a couple days earlier and i had poked one and it makes this really weird clicking noise.... scarey. in fact i believe les freaked out a bit.

if you know me, you would know that not much grosses me out, but these worms give me the willies. but they were going to destroy the tomatoes, since there was like 10 of them. so i did what any person would do, i grabed an oven mitt and a pair of scissors and started cutting them off the bush.... but what to do with them? so i pilled them on my deck leaving the decision of what to do for a later time. after i had removed all i could see i had this small pile of really disgusting worms on my deck clicking away and bobbing their heads. i know people who squish them... but they seemed really juicey so i couldn't do that. so i got a bucket and i filled it with water and i attempted to drown them. well those little suckers started fighting each other and bitting and there was gross green juice going everywhere!! and they wouldn't die... like 3 finally kicked the bucket but the rest wouldn't die!!! eventually i took them to the forest and dumped them out.

the worst part of it is that i know they aren't all gone and that they are living outside my window!! ewwww, save me... (officially acting like a girl right now, i'm so grossed out)

back to the basics

so i reread the caption under the title of this blog and realized i was way off track here. i'm suppose to be writting about those experiences in my day that are like hiccups, little mishaps that make life a little more interesting. so here goes, at least here i will try.

i went to a family reunion today. i know, i know, you are all thinking what a place for lots of mishaps. well this family reunion was special, see it was for my mother's, father's side of the family. i didn't even know that this side of my family existed until i was about 12 years old, and my papa passed when i was 16, so i haven't really seen a lot of that family. well in fact you may say i haven't seen any of that family... ever. well, my brother, sister-in-law and i were sitting around the picnic table when we realized were that one family, you know the one, the one family that shows up to a reunion and everyone is like "hey who are those people? are they really a part of our family, or are they just here for the food?" and if you know me your bets would be on the showing up for the food part. well lets just say at the end of the reunion i still didn't know anyones name, and i don't think i would recognize them if i ran into them on the street. so maybe it wasn't a reunion more like a meeting for the first time.

or right the hiccup. well this is the best part. we were reunioning at a water park so we were swimming. my nephew and i were on our way to the waterslides when the whistle was being blown in the kiddie pool. they had to get everyone out because apparently someone puked in the pool. well then i saw my brother and i told him what was up. well he started to laugh and he said "well are you sure it wasn't paige's poo that they kicked everyone out of the pool for?" so apparently my 2 year-old neice dropped a load right into the pool and it was shut down for the next 30min or so. displacing about 40 kids from their splash ground into the big pool. way to go paigie! when she does something she does it well, she must take after her aunt manda!

an ode to my dreads

most of you know that i have a love for dreadlocks. i loved my dreads, i miss my dreads and i want my dreads back. but, alas most of my close friends and coworkers have told me their incrediable hate for my dreads, not only do they not like dreads because they are seen as dirty and smelly, but some may think that i look horrible with them. but i love my dreads. i have gone back and forth on the issue of putting my dreads back in and even a month ago i had half my head in dreads that i removed again. but i have made a decision, in the fall of 2006 my dreads will be going back into my hair, and staying for a very, very long time.

why would people think my dreads were gross, they got washed every week, if not more. if they started to smell i put airfreshner in them. if they got fuzzy i would shave them. if they started to fall out i waxed them. if they went flat because i slept on them too much i tied pipe cleaners to them so they would stand straight up. i cared for my dreads better than i care for my car.

i just wanted you all to know, that i miss my dreads, and i think about them everyday. and no this is not obsessive.

if only....

i've been inspired lately to follow my dreams. i always had dreams but nothing really set in stone. but over the last months i have really come to realize what is important to me. the given is finding the man of my dreams and living happily ever after.... but what about where i want to be, what i want to be doing, and how am i going to do this all?

well if you would ask me where exactly i would like to live, it would be in some small community... and when i say small i mean a couple hundred people tops, with a couple small stores to get by with. hopefully this community would be pretty much in the middle of nowhere but maybe a larger town with in 1hrs drive, but i'm not too picky. my house would be beside a nice quiet lake, with woods surrounding it.

when i say house i don't think i really mean house... i would like more of a cottage like dwelling i believe. not very big, a couple bedrooms, a kitchen, a bathroom, a cold cellar, a living room and possibly a loft. i wouldn't want cable or a satellite, or a microwave. just the basics. i would love the house to run on wind and solar power and to be heated by a wood stove. i would have gardens all around the house and would save up the veggies and fruit and preserve it all for the winter. i want a nice porch that goes around most of the cottage with nice comfy chairs with lots of blankets to keep warm on fall evenings.

if possible i wouldn't want to work, just work around the house, raising kids, bartering my eggs and veggies for things we need (cause did i mention i definitely want chickens). i would love to grind my own flour, and have lots of bee hives. but if i did have to work (which is most likely) i would want to work outdoors, work in the woods or something like that.

really i think i just want to go back to the pioneering days and just work the land and be happy with having the people you love surround you.... now its just going to be hard to figure out how to make this all happen.

the perfect day

today started as one of those horrible, no good, rotten, very bad day's. i just felt lonely, like i had nothing really to look forward to, just a lazy day at home all alone. but i got up and went to church, my church which i normally don't do as of late, i'm more inclined to go to other churches to hide in the back. well i got to see so many people today that i love and it was unbelievable to see them and hug them. well i left church and i got that sinking feeling again like i didn't want to be all alone, sooo... i went and got some groceries, but i prayed along the way, i laid it on the line to God, like "dude, you got to send me someone today, anyone will do, i want company of some sort", i felt very confident that it would be ok.

so i got home and sat on my couch (cause its my favourite place) and started to watch tv. then i heard the tell tale signs of my landlords coming home. but much to my surprise there was a little face at my door... my little angel had come to visit, so we sat on the couch (after we had gotten suckers, and water with star and stick ice cubes) just cilling out. my little angel told me stories about her weekend and shared a couple licks of her sucker. we had a great visit.

just before her visit came to an end i got a phone call, i was invited to a bbq with some friends. it was to start at 5pm and i didn't have to bring anything. and shortly after my phone call my mother showed up with a sign "will work for cookies" my great mom had come to help clean my apartment. i love her, we worked side by side and got my place spic and span in no time at all (she got two cookies for the great job she did), just in time for me to shower and leave for my bbq.

the bbq was great, and after dinner we headed to the beach to watch shakespear in the park. like 9 of us hung out watching this play. then some of us rented a movie and headed back to my place.

to think i was feeling lonely this morning and then i wasn't alone all day for more than 1hour. thankyou everyone who helped me get through today, and thanks to God who answered my little silly prayer.