i finally figured it out

i've never really cared for toronto. i like the city, i like how you can get almost anything there, i love the culture, there are soo many things i love about toronto but i find it exhuasting to be there. i really don't think its the amount of people, or how nothing seems to stand still, i really love other cities where all this occurs. but today i figured it out.

it turns out i find it exhausting to see all the people just asking for help. they are sitting there begging for help. whether it is monetary help they want, or they just want someone to listen. i find this exhausting. and i hope that does not sound like i think i'm above them all and i'm sick of hearing them, its quite the opposite. i feel useless, i can't give money to all of them, and this tears at my soul. i want to help, i have a need to help, but i don't know how i can help effectively. yes i could give the money i can, or i could donate my time to a shelter or what have you, but i have too many other commitments helping out other places that i don't see how i could fit it in too. i feel that anything i could do is just not enough.

sometimes when i look into the eyes of a person begging for money, i see a reflection of myself that i don't like. i see that i could be helping more, that i could be doing more, that i could be making more of a difference and in that i see dissapointment. when i look at the person sleeping on the street i see a child that someone has lost, i see a person who deserves more than anything to be loved, to be taken care of, and to have the opportunities that everyone should have.

i don't want to sound like this is all about me, because its about them. they are the forgotten, they are the people that society tries to hide, they are the so called eyesores. but really they are just hurting. they really do deserve more, and i'm ashamed of what i have that i don't need.

i'm sorry, i really am.